1st Annual Presidential Debate on Issues that Actually Matter

Since the toughest question in tonight’s 1^st presidential debate will be “what kind of dog will you bring to the White House?”, I’ve decided to facilitate my own debate between the “defender of the defenseless” Barack Obama, and the “purveyor of profit” Mitt Romney. I hope you enjoy!

1st Annual Presidential Debate on Issues that Actually Matter

Good evening ladies and gentleman! My name is Tyler, a political scientist, blogger, and 3^rd world educator based in the great state of Georgia. I haven’t sold out to the liberals or the conservatives so this debate will not be aired on national TV. Instead, this debate will be aired live via blog in my living room, a place where sanity and common sense reign supreme. My living room couch isn’t sponsored by BP, Chevron, Halliburton, Chase, Boeing, or Wells Fargo so there will be no need for commercial breaks. Responses are limited to 1 minute because I, like most struggling middle class Americans, are lucky enough to have to go to work today. Now candidates, introductions please!!

 

My name is Barack Obama! I am the president of the greatest country on Earth, the United States of America! I have a perfect little family. My beautiful wife and I are both lawyers and our daughters go to a 30,000 dollar a year private school. Way to support public education huh? But I stand for the middle class and Black people love me! After ignoring them for 3 straight years, Black people still love me! God Bless America!!

 

My name is Mitt Romney! I am the former governor of Massachusetts. I’m very rich and very Liberal but this year I’m going to try to be conservative! Birth control is bad!! Free market capitalism is good!!! I have a beautiful wife and lots of kids but I would never send them to Iran to defend the Israelis. I have your kids for that!! God bless Israel! God bless Israel Israel! GOD BLESS ISRAEL!!!!!!!!!!! God bless America too.

 

Thanks gentlemen! Now lets Begin!!!

 

1^st question:

According to the liberals, the economy is on a rebound…according to the conservatives, the economy is tinkering on sheer destruction. It took me 2 years after graduating from college to find decent employment. What can be done in a bipartisan effort to stimulate the economy and add jobs? Should the focus be on government…the lowering of taxes and implementation of top down measures? Should the focus be on private citizens, focusing on opportunities to foster a more entrepreneurial and small business friendly environment?

Better days are ahead, my American people, better days are ahead.

I’m a businessman so I understand these things. I will tell you my strategy after I get elected. Basically, my plan is to extend the Bush tax cuts…exactly like President Obama has done.

 

2^nd question

Our national security is a huge issue today. We spend more on our military than any other country on this entire planet. Do you truly think the rest of the world hates us because of our freedoms or rock & roll music or do you think it has more to do with our foreign policy? Is this country only good at exporting war and importing another country’s resources?

Terrorists hate us. 9/11. Stay afraid, it helps me justify Muslim genocide and the slashing of your civil liberties.

Terrorists hate us. 9/11. Stay afraid, it will help me justify Muslim genocide and the slashing of your civil liberties if elected.

 

3^rd question

While we are on the topic of war, do you support war with Iran? Why do American politicians find it so necessary to babysit Israel? Would you agree that Israel is increasingly dictating our foreign policy in the Middle east.

Israel is our ally and always will be. Iran must not have the ability to proliferate a nuclear weapon. Even though Israel has WMDs, Iran does not have the right to defend itself. I’m a Christian and Jesus is from Israel.

Israel is our ally and always will be. Iran must not have the ability to proliferate a nuclear weapon. Even though Israel has WMDs, Iran does not have the right to defend itself. I’m a Christian and Jesus is from Israel.

 

4^th question

So no matter what, Israel must be defended? You are willing to send American boys to die for a country that has no relative significance to the world? How about the Palestinians? Would you not agree that the Israelis are committing a Holocaust against the Palestinians?

As Newt Gingrich said, “the Palestinians are an invented people”. Brown life isn’t as important as White life. You know that. look at my drone campaign! Think I’ll kill little White kids? Hell no. No matter what, the Holocaust must never happen again. Forget slavery, NEVER EVER forget 9/11 and the Holocaust!

As Newt Gingrich said, “the Palestinians are an invented people”. Brown life isn’t as important as White life. You know that. No matter what, the Holocaust must never happen again. Forget slavery, NEVER EVER forget 9/11 and the Holocaust!

 

5^th question

Moving on. Do Americans have the right to affordable health care? Is it smart to tax a person who doesn’t have health care because he or she can’t afford it? How could he or she possibly pay the tax if he or she couldn’t afford healthcare in the first place? Who actually read the whole bill?

Every American has the right to affordable healthcare. That’s why I created Obamacare. And who needs to read the bill! The house & senate have sessions over them! How will we afford it? Nobody knows.

Every American has the right to affordable healthcare. That’s why I created Romneycare. Opps..uhhh hahaha…I mean free market capitalism is good. I’m repealing Romneycare my 1^st day in office. I mean Obamacare.

 

6^th question

Silly question time!! Who knows the Constitution?

I’m a constitutional lawyer..non-practicing.

Of course I do! “Our father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be your name…thy kingdom come. . .”

 

7^th question

Hold up! So you don’t know the Constitution?

Well, I have executive power so I do as I will. If anyone has a problem with it, I’ll scream out 9/11 in a speech or get CNN or MSNBC to lable the opposition a racist.

Of course I do! “Our father, who art in Heaven. Hallowed be your name….thy kingdom come. . .”

 

8^th question

How do you feel about NDAA, CISPA, SOPA, the PATRIOT ACT, GITMO, and other things that violate international law, domestic law, the United States Constitution, and the Geneva Convention?

I’m Barack Obama. I know what’s best for this country, constitutional or not. Don’t like it, ill just detain you indefinitely. Besides, I’m black. Don’t be racist, just go along with it. Did I mention I’ve hung out with Jay Z and Beyonce before? Cool huh..that alone will secure 99.9% of the Black vote.

I support any bill that doesn’t support terrorists! 9/11! Muslims are the threat, not American militarism!!

 

9^th question

Why should Americans even take you 2 guys seriously? You both stand for the same things, the same people, and the same policies. There only aspect remotely different between you all is hair texture and skin color.

I’m for the people, the American people! Better days are ahead, I assure you, better days are ahead.

I’m for the people, the American people, just not the 47% who believe they are victims! 2012 is all about fixing this economy. Trust me, I never flip-flop.

 

10^th question

Well, last question…any final words to the undecided voters?

Hope and change!

Fiscal responsibility!!

 

That concludes tonight’s debate! I hope you enjoyed seeing 2 evils in action…now choose the lesser…if there is 1. Remember, 2 wrongs never make a right…whether that be in life, a presidential election, or defining a democracy..